Egged on by her passion for the assignment, our editor left no book or file unturned, nor the question unanswered by anyone she interviewed. However, though our editor did her usual eggscellent work, she may have only scratched the surface in a story that could be bigger than Watergate or Whitewater when it's fully unscrambled.

"The deeper I dug," our editor reported, "the more fowl the smell. It looks like the chicken received a lot of inside and privileged help. I ruffled a lot of feathers when I asked some important people the question, especially the politicians. This may not be just a simple case of an innocent chicken crossing a road."

Efforts to interview the chicken herself have been unsuccessful. She remains cooped up at a Farmer Brown's residence and refuses to talk to reporters.

To keep our readers fully abreast of this breaking story, we've assigned exclusively coverage to our Chicken Editor, who so carefully laid the groundwork. We'll report future developments on this page as the story continues to unfold.

The Question

"Why did the chicken cross the road?"

The Answers

Senator John Kerry: The question we have to ask ourselves is why did the chicken decide to cross the road in the first place, and why all by itself, doesn't it have any friends? Perhaps there was a better way to get where it wanted to go than crossing the road, and perhaps that was the wrong road to cross.

President George W. Bush (Answer 4): The chicken crossed the road because it can't decide which side of the road to stay on. It just keeps crossing back and forth. Sometimes it even meets itself coming in the opposite direction.

Ralph Nader: The chicken's habitat on the original side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrialist greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

President George W. Bush (Answer 3): It doesn't really matter why the chicken crossed the road, it only matters if it stays the course.

President George W. Bush (Answer 1): We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either with us or against us. There's no middle-of-the-road here.

Martha Stewart: No one called to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the farmer's market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes, the chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed, I've not been told!

Rush Limbaugh: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet someone out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars, and when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build roads for chickens to cross.

Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting and went on to accomplish its life-long dream of crossing the road.

President George Bush (Answer 2): Because I told it to cross the road! And it knows I mean what I say!

General Tommy Franks: It's a member of the Iraqi Republican Guard.

Prime Minister Tony Blair: Actually, we haven't yet found the reason why it crossed the road, but we know we will eventually. Everyone should understand that it's a very big road, and it has two sides to it.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfield: The question isn't whether it crossed the road or not, we always knew it would - the question is, how fast did it do it, and did it lay any eggs on the way?

Secretary of State Colin Powell: Before we come to any conclusion as to why this one chicken crossed the road, we should meet with some of the other chickens and determine if they also have the pluck to cross the road, or whether they will flock together and lay low until they see eggsactly what happens to the chicken that crossed first.

Kindergarten Teacher: To get to the other side.

Plato: For the greater good.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Saddam Hussein: This was an unprovoked act of aggression against our side of the road, and only our restrained use of nerve gas prevented this Satanic fowl from breaching our curb.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Hippocrates: Because of an excess of phlegm in its pancreas.

Netscape: Having established its dominance on one side of the road, the chicken intends to spread its monopoly to the other side. We have filed a formal request with the Justice Department to conduct a full investigation into this flagrant road crossing. The chicken must be made to stay on its own side of the road!

Pyramid Consulting, ICC, DDT: Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the increasingly competitive egg market.

 

Pyramid Consulting, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), Pyramid helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework.

 

Pyramid Consulting convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with Pyramid consultants with deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes.

 

The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution.

 

In summary: Pyramid Consulting helped the chicken to reposition itself to become more successful by pre-delivering its eggs to a less competitive side of the road.

Louis Farrakhan: The road, you see, represents the Afro-American male. The chicken "crossed" the Afro-American in order to trample him and keep him down.

Richard M. Nixon: The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did NOT cross the road. Furthermore, the press reports that we have video tapes of the chicken crossing the road are not true. There are no such tapes! The report is nothing more than the liberal press picking on Nixon again.

Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever reason there was.

Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place, anyway? Where is the chicken's owner?"

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just released our new Chicken Windows XP, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, scramble Netscape, and balance your chickbook.

Oliver Stone: The question is not, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" Rather, it is, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing? Perhaps there was more than one chicken crossing the road. Perhaps there were other chickens hiding behind road signs, in case the first chicken didn't make it."

Darwin: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected by oncoming traffic so that the stronger and faster chickens are now genetically disposed to cross roads.

Einstein: The question is not relative. For whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha: Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson: The chicken did not cross the road—it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain. Alone.

Colonel Sanders: I missed one?

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